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Sunnyside Pizza

Bar Cento. Cleveland, OH (address and info)

This Ohio City spot does its own meats in-house, including pancetta, which is laid down on a pepper-coated crust before being topped with provolone and eggs. Those eggs basically fry in the grease as the pie cooks at a high temp. The result? A pizza with egg yolk and bacon juice as its sauce base.

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B’B’B’ Bacon Burger

Slater’s 50/50. San Diego, CA (address and info)

No conversation about places to get bacon in America would be complete without mention of Slater’s 50/50. The place was a pioneer in creative applications of bacon, and their patties are half beef and half bacon (hence the name), so pretty much anything you get here is going to satisfy that craving of yours. But of all their menu items, the B’B’B’ Bacon Burger is the most likely to make your jaw drop (both in awe and in order to fit the damn thing in your mouth).

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The Death Muffin

Diesel. Atlanta, GA (address and info)

Diesel’s “Bacon Explosion” — a bacon-stuffed, bacon weave-wrapped sausage loaf covered with maple syrup and cayenne — already sounds pretty daunting. Add to it cheddar & a poached egg, and put it all on an English muffin, and you’ve got a menu item that totally warrants the moniker of “The Death Muffin.”

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Chicken-fried bacon

Sodolak’s Original Country Inn. Snook, TX (address and info)

All the reasons you’re not eating chicken-fried steak are dumb, but the reasons you’re not eating chicken-fried bacon are probably dumber. This is the most American food, hands down, end of discussion. Sodolak’s is where it’s been made the longest, and nowhere else has it been so enthusiastically perfected.

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Bacon Loves Lobster Roll

BarBacon. New York, NY (address and info)

If you’re an indecisive person who likes bacon, BarBacon might be the wrong place to go. The menu here doesn’t have a single dish on it without the stuff (with the exception of a few cocktails), so we recommend attempting the four-variety bacon tasting beforehand just so you can cleanse your palate of everything that isn’t pork. And when you’re done with that, you’ll probably get their Bacon Loves Lobster Roll. Just saying.

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Heart Attack Dog

Cousin’s Grubhouse. Philadelphia, PA (address and info)

Grubhouse is essentially a temple to bacon, and its been practicing its religion for a long time. Open since the 1950s, Grubhouse has been serving up bacon in endlessly creative and delicious varieties longer than most places have been in business. Some highlights are their Elvis Melt (bacon, banana, peanut butter, and “bacon powdered sugar”), and their bacon-wrapped, chili-topped Heart Attack Dog.

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The Notorious Bacon Sundae

Green Goddess. New Orleans, LA (address and info)

Looking at the rest of this list, and seeing that (for the most part) these are all savory bacon interpretations, we knew we needed something that would cap off the hypothetical meal that is this article sweetly. Enter: the Notorious Bacon Sundae. It’s made with coffee pecan brittle ice cream & bacon caramel, and is topped with Nueske’s applewood bacon, plus the hopes and dreams of every American.

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The bacon sampler

Tails & Trotters. Portland, OR (address and info)

This Stumptown butcher shop specializes in all things pig, from house-cured ham to porkstrami and, of course, bacon, which you can watch them slice behind the deli counter. That includes pepper and applewood, plus pancetta, unsmoked strips, British back bacon, and Canadian bacon, which has way better healthcare than its American counterpart. There’s a sandwich counter, though it rarely has bacon. Lucky you, you can grab it to go — or score it online — to do wonderful things to your own sandwiches.

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Ol’ Reliable. Chicken & Waffles w/ Bacon

Bacon. Austin, TX (address and info)

When Bacon opened in 2011, pork-minded Austinites rejoiced. This sanctuary of swine’s menu is nearly entirely bacon-based, so you can’t really go wrong. But the move here is the chicken and waffles, a mountain of poultry whose secret weapon is the thick chunks of bacon they can bake right into the batter.

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The Whole Bomb

Kaiser Tiger. Chicago, IL (address and info)

This West Loop beer hall does a lot of wonderful things with bacon, including wrapping it around dates and deep-fried meatballs. But for a real assault against your ventricles, go for the Whole Bomb. A glorious mutation of meatloaf, the thing starts with 2lbs each of ground beef and pork, which is wrapped up in a 16-strip bacon weave that sits on the smoker for three hours. The 5lb log is then sliced off for sandwiches or, more ideally, is just eaten like a burrito while you weep alone in the dark.