I’m almost 90% certain my very first post on this blog was about the release of one season of Entourage. In that post I put it out there that Entourage is one of my favorite shows on television (now approaching its final season), and one of the reasons this HBO hit is one of the highest on my list is because of Ari Gold. I could write for half a day to describe Ari, but I’ll skip that, weather your familiar with the character or not, below are 25 of his most popular quotes from the show. (NOT necessarily my top 25, but the 25 most popular. If you have any to add, feel free, I’d love to hear your favorites.)
Ari Gold: Call me Helen Keller because I’m a fucking miracle worker!
Ari Gold: Listen to me, Lloyd, do you want to make it in this business or fold shirts at a Chinese laundromat? Pledge.
Ari Gold: Listen, Lloyd, I want you to put all my files, folders, binders, *everything* into a box! If you find a used condom, an executioner’s mask, and a fucking spike paddle, don’t think, just pack that bitch! Chop suey!
Ari Gold: You know what they feed people on an indi set, Vinnie? Nothing! They don’t give you a trailer. They tell you to go sit on an apple box. Ever try to bang an extra on an apple box?
Ari Gold: I’m ready to go here, all right? It’s like R. Kelly at recess. Honey, honey, what are you doing? Are you kidding me? Baby!
Ari Gold: You can have it if you want to live in Agora fucking hills, and go to group therapy, but if you want a Beverly Hills mansion, a country club membership, and nine weeks a year in a Tuscan villa, then I’m gonna need to take a call when it comes in at noon on a motherfucking Wednesday.
Ari Gold: We are gonna get drunk with Russell Crowe and we’re gonna head-butt some goddamn kangaroos.
Ari Gold: Smoke more weed, Turtle. Seriously, smoke more weed.
Ari Gold: My assistant is to be gang-raped by a gang of one.
Ari Gold: That was a good speech, Lloyd. If I was 25 and liked cock, we could be something.
Ari Gold: Tell Drama he’s on the top of my list of things to do today, along with inserting needles in my cock!
Ari Gold: Dana I have never cheated on my wife, not since she became my wife, but if you wanna jerk me in the car now, I’m game.
Ari Gold: Mohamed Ali came back once too often too, Terence.
Ari Gold: I knew you liked dick, Babs, but i didn’t realize you were a cocksucker.
Ari Gold: It’s like high school. You can’t fuck the prom queen until she finds out her best friend jerked you off underneath the bleachers!
Ari Gold: You fire a guy, you create a rival. You fire a woman, you create a housewife.
Ari Gold: I drove to work today in an $80,000 Mercedes and I’m going home in a prop car from Fast and the Furious… my life is over!
Ari Gold: Fuck the phones, Lloyd! Unless Carmen Electra calls for an emergency titty-fuck, don’t answer!
Ari Gold: I would say hug it out, but I don’t want you drawing wood.
Ari Gold: All right, when you talk to Dana, tell her I’m going to take the pictures from Cancun, and start a website called imahollywoodexecutivewhore.com and there will be no password or fee required, and I will take out a full page ad in the LA Times promoting it. Tell her I want a fucking call back.
Ari Gold: Fuck you. Where’d you hear that, Friendster?
Ari Gold: (golfing): Rusty cunt bucket! FUCK!
Ari Gold: You will come back stronger then ever. Like Lance Armstrong. But with two balls.
Ari Gold: No Indies E! Think of it as the holocaust, never again!
Ari Gold: Fuck Richard Roper. You know I went to college with him? Yeah when he was pledging we used to tie beer cans around his nuts and make him walk across campus. I think last night was payback.
And if those weren’t enough, OR your not already familiar with HBO’s super agent… Here’s a little more.